“I Want To Be Peter Lorre”

Words and Music © 1988 by Tom Smith - Used by permission

The curse of my existence is the "heroes" that I see,
  And I can't do much for them not doing very much for me.
I can't identify with Magnum, P. or I. --
  Schwarzenegger, Harrison Ford, and Michael Douglas leave me bored.

Mel Gibson is too rugged, Matthew Broderick's too cute,
  Clint Eastwood is so cocky, I could punch him in the snoot.
No, I'll look back in time to a gentleman sublime,
  Whose wit and style are seldom mentioned --
(in Lorre voice)
  -- But never failed to attract attention!

When I grow up, I want to be Peter Lorre,
  I want to snivel and sneer in a nasal whine.
I want to cringe and curse, and maybe threaten worse --
(in Lorre Voice)
  -- And if that doesn't work, I've got a laugh that'll petrify your spine!

Who wants to be a handsome, stuffy playboy?
  Who wants to face the bad guys all alone?
The last thing that I need is to be a romantic lead,
  I want to grow up to be Peter Lorre and steal the girl for my own!

When I grow up, I want to be Peter Lorre,
  I'll tell Nemo where Kirk Douglas went to hide.
(in Lorre voice)
Now, I didn't mind old Kirk, but Ned Land was such a jerk,
  And between a mad scientist and a jock, who would you want on your side?

I want to sell the Bird to Sydney Greenstreet,
  I want to cheat with Vincent Price's wife,
And if I want more kicks, I'll make Mister Moto flicks,
  I want to grow up to be Peter Lorre and have a wonderful life!

(in Lorre voice)
When I grow up, I want to be Peter Lorre,
I'll stalk the streets of Dusseldorf and Pairee,
Waiting for some dame who has no sense of shame
To foolishly make that one mistake and hang around with me.

I want to whistle music from old operas
  As I am slowly strangling some pre-teen,
I long for days gone by, (in Lorre voice) and that winking, blinking eye,
  I want to grow up to be Peter Lorre,
    You pretty boys are gonna be sorry,
      I'll be the best Peter Lorre you've ever seen!

(Alternate verses)
In concert, Tom changes lines 3-6 often, depending on who's big at the movies that week. Some examples:

Arnold thinks his pecs are at least as good as sex,
  And if there's one more Bruce Willis flick,
  you won't believe I got that sick.

Michael Douglas is a weenie, Steven Seagal is a nut,
  I'm tired of hearing Kevin Costner's got a real cute butt.

I wish that Sly Stallone would leave well enough alone,
  And is there one soul who believes
  In Johnny Depp or Keanu Reeves?

Jean-Dolph Seagal-enegger keeps on cranking out those thrill-'ems,
  Bruce Willis has one problem: he appears in all his fil-ums.

HEAR this SONG as an MP3

Words and Music © 1988 by Tom Smith. (Reproduced here by permission.)
See latest version of these lyrics and more at Tom Smith's Filker Site

P R E V I O U S > Peter Lorre Films

B A C K > Peter Lorre

Peter Lorre Connections (Links)

THIS SITE

German-Hollywood Connection Index - Lists many of those who influenced Hollywood over the years -- to the present day. With links.

BOOKS about Germanic film people and Hollywood

Other "Cinema" links

B A C K > Peter Lorre

Copyright © 1997-2005 Hyde Flippo